Can You Hear My Mind Ticking?

Hi....

Okay well I know this is going to prove your point exactly but I am beyond caring!! Actually what made me come down to the basement to do this is because I had Delta Goodrem on and the second song on her current album is called 'The Analyst' and I had a bit of a chuckle, that song is so me!! I know I analyse a lot, indeed I over analyse. I'm aware of that. And yeah, I probably do it because I do want to make it sit right, make it easier to forget or accept. On the same token, I've never done anything differently. Its not something I consciously do, it's just a natural thing.

Analysing is on my list of things to change or alter or get rid of while I am here. Also on that list is that rigid and dull and responsible and boring part of me, that little voice that analyses before anything has actually happened. I need to learn to be a little more carefree I guess is probably the best way to put it.

In regards to 'holding every ones hand' I just want to emphasise the fact that I don't intend to do that. Perhaps six months ago I would have. At some point there I reached an understanding that yeah, there is sweet FA I can do about anything that goes on while I am gone. For a time there I felt so helpless to everyone if I couldn't solve their problems. Now though I know and I can say it and mean it, it's okay to not doing anything. Its okay not to help. Its okay to not hold peoples hands.

I did alot of thinking New Years Eve weekend. Something along the lines of learning to live for me. At that time I couldn't see I was living for everyone else. I couldn't see that if everyone up and leaves, I'd suddenly be left with no life, not if I kept living for everyone else, if I kept being that net or catcher. And eventually I recognised that. I'm well aware that holding hands is something I can do so wonderfully well, but it's something I shouldn't do 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks in a year. Again, this is something that will take time to change.

Being so far out of the comfort zone, so far out of routine and familiarity for so long is going to give me the opportunity to sit back and go 'right you can be a totally different person when you travel, so why can't you be that person at home?'. Last night was a classic example. I had far more to drink than I would back home. How do I know this? Many reasons. But I was singing at the top of my lungs and being probably a typical Aussie tourist, loud and often the centre of attention. It was great fun! I'll say it, I loved it. Now I just have to work out why I can't do that at home, to the degree that it was last night.

Can you kind of see what I am getting at? I am aware of all these things I shouldn't really do and I intend to do something about it. Its just going to take time. And this is the perfect opportunity to do that. If I get used to living a 'louder/carefree' way for such a long period of time, the likely hood is it'll become second nature and it'll stick around when I get home. Or at least that's the aim. I knowI know, analysing again! I tend to want to ration everything, be rational about everything....grrr...

I know dwelling and holding on too much issomething I can't afford to do right now. I'm about to have the biggest six months of my life. Most of my focus needs to be here in this country, in this moment in time. I can't be carrying baggage from home. That said, I'm not saying I don't want to hear people's problems (be that you or anyone else) all I'm saying is that I have to file them away elsewhere. Get them out of the inbox and put them in the filing cabinet under the desk. I'm getting really off track here....

Before I left, at the airport, you poked me just under the collar bone and told me I was walking away from nothing and that everyone will still be there when I get back. And do you know why I'll remember that? Because the poking really hurt!!! Moving on....in most regards I didn't mean walking away in a physical sense. I know everyone will still be there when I get home. But a lot is going to change and indeed I'll change a hell of a lot too. When I said walking away, I meant turning my back on life as it was for me in every regard at that point in time. Not everything will stay the same and I expect that. So in that regard, I'm walking away from that chapter of my life. When I come back, I'll look at things in a different perspective, a different light. How I relate to people will change. Someone once said that the only constant thing is change. And that's exactly right.

All analysing aside, bring everything back to base level and I know what I have and the people I have around me. They're there. That's it, that's all that matters. It doesn't matter in which context, but they're there and that's the important thing.

Yeah this got a bit long and you're probably sitting there going 'This is such a Rachael thing to do, can't help but explain herself' ... to be honest, it's probably some form of subconscious justification!!

The important thing is that I am honestly loving every moment. By knowing prominent dates of things going on back home is just my link, my foot in the door. So I still feel a part of things. I promise you, I will make the most of every opportunity I have. I mean hey, I've stopped smoking right?!! Went out and had far too much to drink!! Getting around and seeing London, both solo and with other people. As of tomorrow I'm going to start an exercise routine. Everything else is a bonus and believe me, I've had many, many bonuses already.

And now that I've over analysed too much...I'll leave you to it! Take care and big hugs (in a non worrying, non analytical, non hand holding way....)

Me :-)

For what it's worth and whatever you see fit to apply it to -it'll all be okay. What's to be, will be. I could probably chuck a dozen more cliches in there, but I won't!!