This is a Good E-mail, I promise

Greetings my friend,

What a rollercoaster this week has been. But by the time this e-mail is through, I think I would have done myself proud, and in some regards, you as well. I thought about having this conversation on the phone with you at some stage, but I don't think it much matters if it's done here via e-mail or in person on the phone. The important thing for you to know is that I have verbally said what will follow, and for a change I think I actually believe it.

Monday seems so long ago. The significant thing to recall on that day was you laying down the 'no contact rule' until I leanred to like myself. I spent Tuesday feeling like I was being punished. Wednesday too. More so because I woke up Wednesday morning with a touch of the homesick blues. I was starting to miss little things, the small things people would say or do. I was getting tired. I told Erin I didn't want to play the House Assistant game anymore. The novalty had worn off and I was worn out and I just wanted out.

Thursday things got worse.

Admittedly the lowness I was feeling was only heightened by the events of Thursday morning. Suddenly terrorism was a very real thing. I know that sounds kind of odd, but when it comes to September 11 and the Bali Bombings and the Madrid Suicide Bombs the fact of the matter was they all happened on the other side of the world. In other countries, not my own. Suddenly I found I was right in the middle of it all and quite oddly it made me remember something I used to joke about. I'm not sure if I ever said it to you or not, but I think initially it was a thought which made me want to leave a Will at home in case the inevitable happened (I just want to add here that the Will was on my To Do list but never got done). I was in the States just four weeks before September 11. I was in London a mere two weeks before the plans to gas the London Underground surfaced some three years back. I used to joke that the next time I went overseas I was at ground zero. I was losing two weeks with each trip. From four to two to none. And as that thought again raised it's head Thursday afternoon as I sat watching the horrific images on the television, I realised I should never have made that a laughing matter.

I was supposed to be trying to 'like myself' but instead I found myself full of self loathing. I think in total I got about an hour and a half of sleep in Thursday night so thank goodness Friday was my day off. It was gone 3:30 in the morning when I'd received the second phone call from home frantically finding out if I was okay. For my grandmothers part (on my dads side) she's not incredibly great with'english and time difference thus she had no comprehension of the hour of the morning it was here. I know, she was worried and I'm not angry at her for calling. I was just very sleep deprived. I had spent most of the later part of the night crying. Having to keep up appearances and reassure a house full of American's that everything was going to be fine can be very draining. And of course it had given none of us time to deal with the events in our own way. We'd delt with calls all night from worried families in America, indeed many from our own home towns. My mother was frantic. As was Fiona from work and I even had a voice message from my 'father' which was all a bit overwhelming. So as you can well imagine I was falling to pieces. The one person I thought would make things better and the one person I so despirately wanted to hear down the phone was the one person I wasn't allowed to talk to!!(and by no means is that said to make you feel bad). So I went up to my room that night and bawled my eyes out. I felt so insecure and scared and lonely, infact quite unlike that 'strong' person people seem to see me as.

As I was saying it was after 3:30 before sleep even attempted to show it's head. I was woken at 4:45 by my phone again. This time it was my cardiologist who actually wasn't aware I was in England and thus wasn't aware of the time because I never got the chance to see him before I left (I know, I've just opened up another avenue for a lecture, I know I know). Regardless, that was about a seven minute call at which point I think I fell asleep again only to be woken at 6am by some very loud American who decided to go outside at that mad hour of the morning. So the quest for sleep was given up on at that point.

Friday I withdrew right into myself. I had black rings under my eyes, the worst I had ever had. I did some more crying on Friday morning. I told myself I wanted to go home, I wanted right out of here. I just wanted to be safe. I just wanted everything I knew to be familiar around me. Erin was worried. Monique was worried. I barely ate Thursday night, didn't go down at all for breakfast nor morning tea on Friday, but threw in an appearance at lunch where I ate about three fork fulls of egg quece or whatever it was. Janet asked if I was okay, I told her I was a little tired but fine. I know she didn't believe me, it was written all over her face. I spent the afternoon in my room. I didn't sleep. I didn't do much other than stare at the wall. Over the course of the day I at least cleaned my room. Erin asked whyI was doing it so thoughrally so soon. I guess I was trying to keep some sort of order, some sort of control in my life.

Dinner Friday night was half a piece of fish and some corn. Yes, I ate fish. I figured it was something at least. By this stage the others had given up trying to get conversation out of me. Indeed I was being quite difficult when it came to getting me something for my birthday. I mean, more so than usual! As far as I was concerned, I didn't want a birthday. I just wanted the day to pass like every other.

Then about 8:45pm Friday night I decided I had to get out of my room for my own good. I went for a walk. And I lectured myself unlike anything you'd believe I was capable of. Well, maybe. But forty five minutes later I was a different person. I refocussed. While out walking I asked myself three questions. Why did I want to do this in the first place? What did I want to achieve while I was here? What did I want to do when I got back home? I tell you I've never walked up that hill quicker, and I didn't stop to catch my breath!! That sheer determination got me up the hill. I told myself I was being stupid. I was wasting valuable 'stories' time by locking myself away and wallowing. Yes, I am allowed the need to get scared, and feel homesick. But hiding isn't going to do anything to help. That said it was gone 1am before I decided to take a restavit and try to sleep.

Because of this I nearly missed breakfast this morning. Today was Saturday and my last day off until Thursday. Okay, that's only four days away, but it seems like forever. So I got up, showered, just made breakfast and went out and didn't get home until 4pm. Admittedly I was a bit scared of getting on the underground, indeed I was uneasy the whole day. But I didn't let it stop me. First I went to Picadilly Circus and got me some new runners. I own a pair of Sketches. That's like breaking history for me. I don't do brands. But my gosh they are so comfy. So they were £22 and when I converted that it's about $66, far more than what I've ever spent on runners. But then I realised the money in my wallet was my pay. It was pounds. It was never aussie dollars, so I didn't need to convert. I walked out proud as punch, that was my one aim for the day sorted.

So then I wandered around a bit and was wowed by the buildings. I then went up to Covent Garden, looked around there and went to the Australian shop (there are just some things back home they can't replicate). From here I went to Pizza Hut (the one Sarah and I went to last week) as I figured I'd not eaten a lot and I was gonna get a good feed for a good price. An hour later I emerged. Jumped on a train and got off at Tottenham Court Road and walked the ENTIRE length of Oxford Street (both sides) and drooled at all the things I could never affordto buy. So then I thought I'd compensate and go to Camden Town to the Markets and I've found my Doc Martins with the union Jacks all over them. Actually there are two types. So now I know where to get them, I can do a bit of saving and they are soooooo gonna be mine. Watched a canal boat go through a loch. Did all sorts of things. Got on the bus back to Hampstead, stopped at Starbucks, then walked up the hill (a different one) back to Pax Lodge. And here comes the part I'm proud of, and indeed you will too.

The thing with my journal is that I'm writing in it mid afternoon on my breaks, so generally I go over the night before, and then do that days events. In this case it was a recap of last night (friday night, the 'walking lecture' and what I got up to today). I wrote down those three questions I demanded of myself and then came up with the answers. Admittedly considering I had until Thursday to like myself, which I then stupidly extended to Friday, Saturday afternoon to finally come to that point is a good effort all things considered.

The first question was, why did I want to do this in the first place? And I thought about this because for some time there I wasn't sure why. Initally I wanted change. I didn't want to sit at my desk for the rest of my working life. That was before I was moved and before my long hours. I wanted change. I wanted to go and do something different, I wanted to do something for me (and this is where it gets good). I wanted something which I could go and do for myself, I earned the right to go and do this, I deserved the right to go and do this. Next thing I know, I've scawled across the page in capital letters I DESERVE THIS!!! he he he. And next thing I know I am laughing. Because I've suddenly realised I've worked my ass off for so long now, and gotten so little in return (not that I expect to). I have spent too long concerned about my responsibilities to other people. To Work. To guides. To some degree my Mother. Stuff that. Right now this is all about me. And I had this same arguement with myself New Years Weekend. THIS IS ALL ABOUT ME, AND FOR ME! So blow and behold before I even realise what I am doing, I'm staring at myself in the mirror going 'You understand what I'm saying, you deserve to be doing this. You should be out there having fun and doing everything you possibly can. Being depressed is shit and you should cut it out. You can't change anything that has happened. Yes, you can feel scared and yes you can feel homesick, but for goodness sakes woman don't dwell!!'. So then I laughed again. And I felt so stupid, but then I laughed and said, 'you're not that bad you know' and laughed again and then found myself in hysterics because I'm standing there looking at my reflection going 'even when she's damned well not here or on the phone, when I'm not allowed contact, she can still bloody make me think and still always manages to be right!!'. And I did. I stood there and laughed. It was really quite hilarious.

Before I knew it I was back at the pages and scrawling again. I answered my other two demands and did it with a new found energy. I came here aiming to achieve fitness and to a lesser degree I wanted to give up smoking. And for a week now I've been smoke free. Yes, I've had quite strong urges. But I want to proove to Marie (and to myself) that I can do this. I'm walking every night, I've already cut time off the route I do. I got up that hill without stopping. Yes, these are only small steps, but in small steps I'm achieving what I wanted to. When I get back I want to do two things. I want to get into the Police Academy and that sheer will alone was what got me up that darn hill. I kept saying 'Victoria Police Here I come' over and over and over again. I don't know how long that'll last, but it's serving its purpose for the moment! The other thing I want to achieve for the moment remains my own aim and the knowledge of no one else. Things may change between now and then, circumstances may change. But right at this point in time I know what I want. Now we just wait and see what happens. Trust me, you'll be the first to know when I've achieved it. That is unless I tell you before I get back...or you guess. Which you're kinda good at.

So here it is, this incredible e-mail ending with this burst of energy. I know what I want. I like myself, I think in someways I've always liked myself, I just forget sometimes. I know I am a good person. Thursday night I looked at everyone around me (photos) and I saw how important they were to me. We're not just talking about a select few. I mean I had people call me and sms me that I never thought would. People I work with. People I see once in a blue moon. There is something about me that they like, that they respect and it's enough for them to care. And I understand that. I've had people tell me I can inspire them. I've had people tell me I motivate them. I've had people tell me that I am a good person, that I'm an incredible person. I just sometimes don't listen, that's all. I become so consumed by everything 'I have to do' that I stop doing the things I want to do. To a degree at least.

Thus I leave this e-mail hopefully assuring you that despite the horribly dark low in fell into, I am fast on the way up again, in fact I'm going in leaps and bounds. I know you won't get this till you're at work and it'll probably take you forever to read. But it doesn't matter. If you call tomorrow, that's great. If you don't, then I'll speak to you at some stage during the week. And to get all mushy for a moment, yes, I do feel your absense quite heavily. Yet I know that you've your life back home and for the moment I have mine here. I know I have to let go of things for a while. Yes it's hard. But I can do it and I know I shouldn't feel bad about it either (we're now talking about things in general!).

So until next time my friend, stay safe and take care. It's time to hold on because this ride has only just begun!!

Huge hugs but even huger smiles,

Me :-)