Can Help Myself

Heya,

So like it's nearly 3pm and I feel very restless. I just instinctively went up to my room at 11am this morning, walked in and went 'oh' and dejectedly came back down to Janet's desk. Old habits die hard right? Hope this find you okay, I actually wrote you a letter last night so no point telling you anything that's in there. It went in the post this morning.

It's funny you know, we go through the motions of people doing their 'lasts' of everything. Went to bed last night in a cold room. Woke with no one to go and say good morning to. Watched the flag go up the pole and sat at breakfast in silence. We don't usually comprehend doing the 'firsts' of everything without someone around. Yet that's exactly what has ended up happening. 'My first flag without Erin' etc. Made me pretty sad. Actually still does.

Janet called earlier and spent close to 40 minutes on the phone to her. Yep, she got me bawling my eyes out too. Doreen nearly did this arvo too, was in her office for a 'meeting' which was a little scary. Thought you'd be interested to know she's giving thought to intergrating K3 into the normal HA rota. The girls have evening program tonight.

Yep the 3rd of December will find me begin to move. Alex moved out today and I'm free to move upstairs. It's probably a good thing. Already I feel the absence of both you and Monqiue. After flag I stood waiting as we mostly do, but the HA's sorta bunched together and walked past me. I feel that now, I am most definately sitting in the gap. But hey, I knew it was coming so I shouldn't be all that surprised right?

Bleak House last night just wasn't the same. Eton didn't say a word and I ate all the Minter Wonderland. Then Priyanka came in during the Queens Cavalry show and made me burst into tears. After tonights show I'll let you know what's been happening. Tis exciting with just last night's episode! So when I got the wanders around 9:30 at some point I crossed Rebecca's path and yep, we opened the hair dye! Erin S did the dying, Rebecca took the photos. It's okay, relax. It didn't quite work. Other than making my hair a little lighter and with a less red tinge on certain angles, I still look relatively the same.

Have been very productive today, can't get over how much work I've gotten done. Remembered to do things I should have done yesterday or what not. Mind you it took most of the morning to get some sort of focus happening. Ruth e-mailed and said she wouldn't call until I was ready. But she's there if I need her. The others were talking at the lunch table today and something came up and your name was mentioned in passing. "...Erin Gow..." and no one really flinched. Like you've been gone for years now. Ouch. Then after the HAs left, Maria brought up a TV show she was watching on channel 4 last night about Autoerotic Asphixiation. Yep, suffocating while having sex and how it heightens the 'bodies reaction' so to speak. Well as you can guess it was weird enough with just Maria Plaza, Breanne and I. But then next thing I know, Doreen comes in, joins us at the table and jumps right in on the conversation. She then told us all to promise we wouldn't try it. I just sat there and shook my head.

Anyways, getting a little misty again so I might just leave you to it. It's okay, I know the first few days will be the hardest I know. I should imagine you've far more of an adjustment to make at your end. Hope you are okay all things considered. Know I am thinking of you and honestly do wish you were here. But I also know that you needed to go home as well.

10 months and 28 days to go!!!
Rachael :-)