Greetings!
Its Friday fish night here and Shanna and I sat through dinner (I was working, she wasn't) long enough for guests to clear out (I couldn't get out of dinner) and then we literally ran up to the Milkshake place for dinner for real food!! We've only just come back now.
But on with your questions and my explanations...let me see, where did I get to....okay, writing without a goal in mind. In some regards I knew that Day and Night was going to be about Rachel exploring a part of herself she'd never really seriously considered before. Thus in that regard I guess maybe I was exploring myself too. But as long as it stayed on paper then it couldn't become too real. With me it's not so much a case of not realising I was attracted to females, it's more of a case of not allowing myself to be because of what other people may think. Its not until recently, less than 12 months now, that I honestly came to understand that this was my life and I had to do what made me happy. Still, I'd not taken a same sex relationship into account. It was never on the cards. But on the same token I wasn't going to deny the chance either. I mean Veronica said to me everyone thought I was going to come back engaged to the love of my life. She said to me, what if it ends up being a female?? I laughed at her. She just smiled, maybe she knew better. She was the only one to know about my confusion over Penny.
The real life saga with Veronica and Scott was worthy of an Oscar!! He actually did live in London and was about four of five years older than us. I can remember spending endless hours talking to him with her, we were up until all hours of the morning. He was a nice guy. Very much into music like Veronica was, that's how they first met up I guess. I decided to use that in my story but kind of moulded it to my own twisted version of fate, so I could temper it to achieve what I wanted to in the fictional world I was creating.
Am I sure I let go of Penny? He he he, you know after I sent Day and Night I anticipated that question. I went 'Oh I know what she'll ask' and I wasn't too far off!! Yes, I let go of Penny. It took time, but I did. More than anything I would love to have her friendship back. We got along very well and were both kind of crazy at times. I reached a point where I realised that relationships were complicated things. And I saw how happy Erin made her. I was kinda shocked to find out they've been dating for like two years. I never saw her going for someone younger. Point being yes I let go of Penny. I came to realise maybe she just was in my life to let me understand it was okay to care about people, to trust a little more.
Well from Penny to Matt. What a leap. I honestly did care a lot for Matt. He was my first real boyfriend and the first person I guess I could begin to say I loved. I spent a lot of the relationship feeling very insecure about myself. In the end I think that's what brought an end to us. I mean there were other factors involved but after four months I still had moments where I didn't trust him. No that's not right. I did trust him. I don't think I trusted myself. I dwelt too much, I was still reserved with him. We had a lot of good times and related on an intellectual level. And he was very different to most guys I'd ever associated with. In some regards I think I did try use him to convince myself I only wanted guys! And yet I can also say I really was interested in him for being him. We saw each other New years Weekend (04/05) and talked a lot and realised we were better as friends and we are. Simple as that. We live very different lives and want different things. Somehow I get the feeling he was very new at the whole relationship thing too.
Again killing off Michael Stone was a way to make Rachel see there was nothing left for her in the States. In my mind I think if Stone had lived, they'd have made a go of things. I don't think there is anything specific which made me want to kill him off. From what I can remember Stone wasn't killed off until after I started Night and Day. No wait, when I started Spirit of Truth. Rachel needed a reason to leave the FBI and that was all a part of it. The office and the building held too many memories. So she moved up North. If anything it would also make Rachel experience a new set of emotions. Who knows, maybe I did it around the time I got over Penny. Like a way to reflect what I was feeling too. I don't know. I know I had no where near the depth of emotion that Rachel had for Michael. Yeah maybe I did it around that time...
Rachel and Alex was a random thing that happened as I was going along.
Veronica copped a lot of ridicule about her relationship. It spread through the school like wildfire and I was one of the few friends who stood by her through the tough times. When we left high school we spent heaps of time hanging out. We pretty much were the only person either of us kept in contact with. Shortly after high school, Vee spilt with her other half who went out with another girl from out year level. So I think I helped Vee through that too. We went to a lot of Alumni school functions together and were wanting to start a business and all sorts. Somehow people got it into their heads we were dating. We didn't find this out until we went to the school production a year or so back and was talking to one of the teachers who happened to randomly ask how the house was going (we were indeed going to share a flat at some point) and we said we weren't living together and we then got asked if we'd broken up!!
Yeah, a lot of people got the wrong idea. It was sort of funny really. After that we joked a lot about it too. We're mates and always will be. There is no way in the world I'd even think about a relationship with her. Her morals are very different to mine and after seeing what she put her other half through -no thank you! Nah, we are just very different people with different ideals and we're great friends, no way! Argh, now I have to try get that idea out of my head, scarred for life now!
She didn't so much teach me what to look for in a chick. I guess she was just more liberal around me because she knew it didn't phase me. I remember us having a conversation one day about chicks when we were in the city. It was utterly hilarious to see what she looked for. So as a joke she's like 'what would you look for?' and yeah it went from there. It was all pretty harmless and tongue in cheek. No I never had a thing for Nat! She was very funny. I told her about that convo with Vee and she laughed, she was like 'Yeah I had a mate like that' and she'd also done the same thing with Gay guys. She's a crack up. I never saw Nat in that way. I wanted to have a body like hers though, I will admit that. I think that's why I took notice. Nat has the body shape I would like. Not overly thin, but curved in the right places. That's all. Besides, she's into guys from what I know. Not that it much matters to me anyway!
What was the go with me and Ben? Well, to be honest I don't know. I warmed very quickly to his personality. When I first moved to the crime department in August 2003, I used to go over the road on a Friday with Zoe and Chrissie and have a drink with the boys (OJ on my part). Apparently I met Ben way back then. He'd broken his mouse on his computer and had asked Chrissie to get him a replacement and in turn she had come to me. I got one. So we're at the bar one Friday evening and he obviously twigged as to who I was and what I'd done and just walks up and goes 'I love you!' and I just looked at him. Apparently the look on my face told him I thought he was insane and I wanted to run in the other direction. Knowing me that's exactly what my face would have said. Only I don't remember that. Apparently numerous times after that occurrence he'd say hi to me in the lift I would look at him in that same insane scared way. Again I have no recollection of this.
It wasn't until March of 05 when Chrissie graduated to be a copper that in my mind we met for the first time. We ended up sitting next to each other at the table and would go out for cigarettes. I ended up driving him home that night and we just talked the whole way. And it kind of went from there. I didn't realise what was going on until Meredith pointed it out to me. As soon as she did that the way I looked at him changed. She was telling me 'just go for it' and I was like 'and do what? Have a one night stand?'. She pretty much in a round about way said yes because I needed to live a little more. That's not me. In the end I asked him out. He said no because he'd not long broken up with someone.
We didn't talk for like two weeks and it was all awkward between us. We got over it and were good mates again, then he started the whole flirting thing, quite openly and very bluntly and I wasn't used to that, I'd never been on the receiving end of that. So again I'm talking to Meredith about it and she's like just live a little. I can't do that you know, I just can't. In the end I decided to smarten up (allegedly) and invited him to my 21st. He told like everyone we knew to come!
People who I had invited to the party, he was chasing them up getting them to come and asking if I'd sorted everything like the DJ and all. I just laughed, it was really weird. On the night of my 21st I had a bit too much to drink (not drunk) and stupidly took Meredith's advice and as he was leaving I just wanted to run after him and kiss him! It was the weirdest thing! Never had that feeling in my life. It was a big flirting session really and I ended up asking him to come to my hotel room the night before I left. Looking back, I am glad he didn't. I did a lot of drinking in the days leading up to leaving. And I think for the most part I was kind of hormonal. Good grief the guy is 11 years older than me. Most coppers flirting I just brush off because that's how most of them are. Somehow he got under my skin. That's all.
Masks. Right, yes I do live in masks for most of my everyday life. It comes back to being brought up to keep up appearances and live up to other people's expectations. My guiding has done a lot for my self esteem in recent years. It pulled me through some very dark parts of my life. I wear my uniform with pride now, like a suit of armour. I am allowed to be responsible but a kid as well. I have learnt that most people in this movement don't expect anything more than you can give. Its very different to every day environments, like work or school. There are very few people who get to see past that.
Okay, back to Alex and Rachel again. Day and Night is the only Rachel and Alex story I have! Like I said I haven't written anything in some time now and Day and Night was where I left things off. But yes you are right, to this date Rachel doesn't have a life after D & N. I just haven't had the chance to write it yet. She has a life leading up to it which you kind of learn about through the first stories, but nothing after. At least not yet.
You have to remember that up until I was 18 and a half I had never dated anyone, nor had any real desire to date anyone. I was always under the assumption that if love wanted me, it could come and find me. I wasn't going to go look for it. Beside, I had no idea how to handle it! It had crossed my mind at one point that maybe I just wasn't into guys and was destined to be single my entire life. I used to joke about being a nun. But being attracted to females never crossed my mind because in my mind, it wasn't allowed. And I couldn't be like all the other girls. The thought of being intimate with someone required a lot of trust and emotion and I'm sorry, having a one night stand just doesn't cut it for me. To sleep with any number of people for fun doesn't fit in with my morals! Veronica always told me if I was waiting for someone to spend my life with, I was going to wait a long time. She said I took relationships too seriously. She too thought I should live a little more. I never could. I never gave my number to anyone I met when I was out. But I guess that was a lot to do with the fact I was a bit of a social recluse. My mum would never let me go out, I was allowed to the cinema with friends after I turned 16 and even then she had to take me there and pick me up. My only way to get out was through guides. Which is why it became a huge chunk in my life. I in the end decided I didn't have the time for finding boys and having sex. It probably wasn't all that great anyways. I had also to some degree had a very prim and proper upbringing. I never saw the piano scene in Pretty Woman until I was 18, my mum never let me see it! Now that I look at it, there's nothing much to it!
Everything I learnt about sex and relationships came from school. So it was a rather distorted but realistic view of it. It was raw and unedited and seemed as every bit a gross as it sounded. The kind of relationship I wanted was far too poetic and abnormal for my school friends. So I sat in my own little world and hoped one day the right person would come along. It never phased me. It wasn't until I was around couples a lot more that I started to feel left out and that I was un-datable. I now know that's not the case and I know that if you are patient, good things do come to you. And that the relationship of trust and care and love that I had always dreamed of but often thought too good to be true, is actually possible.
And so after dribbling on for all this time, I really do feel the need to go to bed. It's now after 10:30.
Rachael
P.S If you have more questions, you know you can ask away!!
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