Its Time

Good Evening,

Yes this finds me once again in the library typing away to you in the silence of a room full of words and stories. You'd think that would enlighten me to say a lot! Or at least something far more intelligent than usual. But perhaps not. There's not much happening at the moment. Was watching American Pie 2 and well, I'm not really a fan of those horrid supposed teenage comedies so I turned the TV off and decided to come and talk to you.

I want to clarify my last e-mail, I probably caused a lot more worry than I should have. I haven't been drinking every night, lets just clear that up. What I meant was that there have been three weeks now where one night every set of days off that I've been drinking and in not large amounts but more than I usually would. Last night Shanna and I went to budgens to get the stuff to make our own snakebites. We got an extra strong lager and the last of the four drinks each we had, we sculled and as a result of that, part way through the e-mail I was writing you, I had to go throw up. I've never done that in my life and am highly horrified at the thought.

It reminds me of the time I sat in the back garden of my old house and smoked half a pack of cigarettes and drank a bottle of wine all by myself while looking at the stars. That was the day I found out I was coming here but couldn't be happy just yet because I still feared at that point I may have been pregnant. I don't make a habit of drinking. I really don't like it. You know that. I grew up around an alcoholic, you'd think that experience alone would be enough to scare me!

What I am trying to get at it right now I am trying to figure out just where I want to go from here. Perhaps not so much in working it out, because in my mind I know what that is. I haven't been sleeping and it's getting to that time of the month and for the first time in a long time I am really sick of being here, I am sick of the same old thing. I'm tired of having woes at home about money. I'm tired of a lot of things. So in essence, it's been a bad few days.

I know this is really hard. And I know I was having a bad day. And I know there will be many more. These next few months will be challenging. But I am ready to face those challenges front on. Soon, summer will arrive and it'll be great. I sat myself down this evening after the Thinking Day Service and realised that a lot has to change if I'm going to make it. Change of routine. Changing my diet is way up there, the amount of sugar I am consuming isn't helping my moods because it makes me feel so horrid that everything else feels worse too!! I've got to get back into the walking every day like I did in the summer.

My aim isn't to worry you. I just want to let you know what has been going on that's all. I too am struggling. You want my honesty and here it is. Anyway, my point was that I'm taking a bit of a different approach to life here and the next few months will breeze by. I do promise to look after myself. I need to, I need to be good and happy and healthy. Besides, I've lots of planning to do and I suppose I should figure out how I'm sending stuff home and by which method because I won't need this stuff for the three months I'm in the states! Okay, maybe getting ahead of myself here I know.

Oh guess what?!! In Hamley's today, I found a mini Eton!! Like seriously, a third of his size but exactly the same markings! I found it so very funny. I was a bit disappointed about the Bear Factory though, they had horrid bears in there. On the ground floor they had puppets like squirrel and cadbury! They had a beaver and a turtle and a couple of others. Somehow it wasn't quite the same without you there tough. Went to the basement and the Lego statue of the fellow from Harry Potter was gone. That too was a little sad.

The Thinking Day Service this evening was a little weird. Very...well unorganised for one. But really off key too. Or maybe just really different to how we do our little ceremonies. Rachel got up and read a speech or a college essay or something. It was really weird. It went on about a guy and Bush and Muslims and The Holly War. I have never felt so uncomfortable in my life. I really didn't think it had a place there. Xenia got up and sang a lullaby she used to sing to her niece every night. I mean it was actually quite beautiful and she can certainly sing, but I don't think that had a place in a Thinking Day Ceremony either. The five or six guests we had there must have thought we'd gone loopy or something. We took photos too. Actually there is a pretty good one of all the staff minus Doreen who is in Scotland at the moment.

The basement computer is out of action still and if Raj can't fix it tomorrow we may run into issues.

Right I've probably dribbled on enough for one e-mail! In all honesty I am feeling fine. I have a few sad moments but as of today, well tomorrow morning when it's implemented, I'm starting a new routine. It will do me the world of good. Mind you it's going to be cold out!

For now I say Good Night.
Rachael :-)