Righty-o, Here I go!

Good Evening !!

I made it through the day! For a while there I wasn't sure I was! I thought that perhaps I'd drown somewhere in paper or go deaf from phone calls or get sucked into the computer screen never to return. Its been a long day and very busy. And yet poor Xenia still has about 12-13 people to check in at some stage over the course of the night.

Speaking of checking people in, Sally tells me I have about a 2am check in on Saturday night. Yay! Well, no, not really but I'll deal with it.

Okay, so I printed off your e-mails and I am going to work through them and see how we go. Perhaps I'll answer questions as I go and maybe I'll create more! Who knows! He! I like this, I like having to think this through a lot more and explain it. Real time to flesh things out.

I don't know what this next meeting with Doreen is about. Its on the 25th and I am just assuming its the supervisory meeting that is supposed to happen every month but hasn't been. I can't think of too many reasons why she'd want to talk to me. I mean, maybe this whole HAC thing but aside from that I think everything is okay. So while I am a little nervous about it, I'm also not that worried. Its just routine.

Right. Writing. Description is the key to writing, but there is also a balance. I find that everything I look at in the world, I see slightly differently to most people. Like an Artist or a Photographer. You look for the things you can use, the material, the perspective. I try to soak up as much realness as possible. I pay attention to the way leaves move, the shade they turn, the sound they make. How far the moon seems in comparison to buildings and the depth of silver it has. Common day occurrences are those most forgotten in a story. For an environment to be real, you have to pull from real life. You have to feel it. Be able to close your eyes and see it, but should you see it without closing them, then that's even better. To be able to be taken to that very moment, that slip in time. I've spent dark nights in bus shelters in the rain. Its not fun. But its always interesting to watch how things move, how lights reflect. How the rain falls and flows. The way lightening flashes around the sky.

When I initially started to write Day and Night, I didn't want to take it anywhere. More than anything it was a particular situation I wanted to write down and turn away like an old journal. Out of mind, thus out of sight. Didn't quite go as planned. As things went along, I realised that Rachel Manchester in some regards played out morals I had. Beliefs I had. And yet there was always a distinct difference between she and I. Most people in the real world who knew of her existence, knew this. I realised that by writing about a situation I was in a sense prohibited from, I could in some regard still experience it through my alter ego.

Quite surprisingly, the very first words appeared one sunny afternoon as I sat in my tent in the middle of a green field in the Midlands of England. July of 2002 was a great summer. But it was also the beginning of the decomposition of a good friendship. I was just 18, I was facing the prospect of leaving high school, moving out of my aunt and uncles and trying to work out just why I seemed un-datable. I had a strong friendship with a good friend and without giving it much thought, I realised what I was feeling was beyond friendship. I can even remember the split moment the thought occurred to me. It was one of the first few days of camp in England, Penny had been disputing something with Kathy. I later walked into our tent to find Penny curled up in a ball and in tears. She always struck me as a very strong person, so much stronger than I. In that moment I felt my heart break and I couldn't figure out why. As I knelt down and gave her a hug to comfort (something we often did for each other) I found myself thinking I didn't want to find someone like her to be with, I wanted to be with her. Yes, that scared the hell out of me!!

I spent the next few days distancing myself. Somewhere in there I began to play with the idea, yet knowing I would disappoint so many people. Thus Day and Night was born of my own aspects of myself, how I could be one person during the day, yet at night I found myself with my thoughts and the person I actually was.

So quite obviously as you figured out, there are strong parallels between Myself and Manchester and indeed Penny and Jane. Yet that's about as far as it really goes. Scott was indeed based on a real person, indeed he lived in London and indeed was a friend of Veronica's. See, there is a history with Scott and Veronica which is pretty much something that happened in real life. Scott quite liked Veronica. She wasn't interested but decided to string him along to see how far it would go. It reached a point where I found what she was doing awful. And I ended up telling him what was going on. He was really hurt, as you can imagine, but still remained friends with her. He thanked me endlessly for telling me the truth and we too became good friends. If anything I envied veronica because she had someone who wanted her. This was reflected in the fictional friendship between Rachel Manchester and her work partner Veronica Noonie. And thus those aspects of the reality of the friendship arose in the fictional one. The only difference was, Scott actually took a liking to Rachel. And they ended up marrying. In that regard, this was long before Matt even entered on the scene in reality.

I found there were moments when I was with Matt that I thought about Penny. In the sense that the bond I had with her as a friend was something I was missing in my relationship with Matt. Don't get me wrong, he was a wonderful friend. But not Penny. By the time I met Matt, Penny and I had stopped talking and the friendship was just about gone. It had reached a point where we could only associate on a professional level. When I broke up with Matt, I wondered if somehow I had used him as a tool to make me believe I had no inclination to females. Its not something I consciously did. And yet felt really bad about it. The point I am trying to make here is that the character of Scott was around long before Matt had even appeared. The only correlation between Scott and Matt is that both Rachel and I had been with someone who cared a lot about us. It just didn't work out.

Michael Stone also appeared long before Ben entered on the scene. In fact Michael Stone was a character Carly created back in 2000 when she started to write her own stories. We decided to partner them up and try explore a relationship similar to that between Mulder and Scully from The X-Files. So Michael wasn't even from my own mind. The thing with he and Rachel is that they became Mulder and Scully too quickly. Rachel was beginning to understand the complicated factors in Mulder and Scullys friendship. Michael Stone to her was a representation (in my mind even though he was Carly's creation) of Penny/Jane. But much like the real Rachael, she wasn't allowed to have him. She was by this stage married to Scott whom she did actually love. It was my decision to have Michael die. I made that choice not long after I started Day and Night. I needed a reason for Rachel to come back to Australia and face up to things she had ran away from. For me in reality, this meant facing what it was I was feeling.

You have to keep in mind I haven't written anything in Day and Night since perhaps this time last year. Long before Ben came into things, so that rules out the correlation to Michael Stone. Alexandra Barlaston was never actually meant to hook up with Rachel. At least not in my mind. She was born that sunny afternoon in the tent in the middle of a field back in 2002. Ideally I just wanted her to be a representation of someone who made Rachel realise she no longer had to worry about peoples expectations, that she had to do what she felt was right regardless of what people thought. In that sense, she could be a combination of a lot of people. Subconsciously back then I had made the decision to create a relationship between the two and use it as a way for me to explore perhaps what might happen should I eventually venture into a same sex relationship.

Hence a lot of Rachel Manchester's insecurities, are indeed my own. The fear she has is real. Although unlike Rachel held onto Jane, I let go of Penny. I eventually did realise it was maybe just a phase I was going through. But was a little more open to the idea should it arise again. My only concern with that was my friendship with Veronica and in some ways I had to deal with peoples knowledge of me in a same sex relationship when the rumours about Vee and I started. This was all after high school and not long after I'd started to work for Vic Pol. Vee and I laughed it off because we knew it wasn't true and would never be true. But somewhere in the back of my mind I realised that the looks people gave us were indeed a reality I would face should I end up dating a female. I didn't know if I could deal with that kind of scrutiny.

Since then I've gotten wiser. A few of the women in the Crime Department were known to be gay and in reality, most people didn't have a problem with it. Through other peoples acceptance, I too began to warm to the idea that the adult world was far less brutal than the high school one I had known. You've heard me talk about Nat on several occasions, my old boss, the young one I used to sing Elvis with. She was one of those people with the brightest bubbliest personality. I remember the first time I met her. See, Veronica used to teach me what she looked for in a chick. I told her she was too fussy. So out of habit I found myself being Veronica and seizing females up. But in a purely innocent way. That very first day Nat walked in, I was stunned. She really was unlike anyone I'd ever met. But I didn't fancy her. I never have done. What it did was made me realise that perhaps it was nothing to do with the gender of a person, rather the actual person. Then Ben came along and I just got all hormonal or something, I still don't even know what was up with me!!

The point I was trying to get at is that Day and Night formed long before the seemingly parallels with reality even occurred. Like I had imagined a certain path in life, had a premonition, and hey presto some two or three years later here I am, actually in a relationship with another female which is strikingly like the one I had created. By no means was that a conscious thing. Like most things I write, they appear in the shape of words but are saved on disk and put away on the shelf. Even I found the parallels between Rachel and myself quite amazing as I read over my own words a day or two ago.

Alex in some regards is the stereotype of how guys see lesbians. Perhaps even in my mind I was being ignorant. When I created Alex, like I said, she was never initially meant to become a lover. I just pulled together an image and went from there. I looked at a trust element as well as a friendship element. There was care but also concern. The key there was trust. In order for Rachel to finally accept the fact she may indeed be attracted to females, she had to find someone she could trust.

What I want to make clear is that Alex isn't anyone in specific. And by no means should you feel that you're not my Alex, that you don't fit the bill. This is where Rachel and I different. You have to remember, most things in Day and Night are not purposefully real. You are everything and more I could even dream of having in my life. I am so very happy with you. You have a trust no one else has ever gotten from me.

I think that maybe I've gone right off track here and lost the direction I was going in! There is so much explanation to go with your questions! Its easy to look at the characters I have. But you have to remember, the characters have evolved over a period of about six or seven years. They have all been lying dormant for at least the past year. There is a whole world and life to each and every one of them Its like the complex lives of real people. What I've told you about how they all connect is only very basic. A few other stories I started ended up being character building too. They deal with the complex relations people have. That's what I love most about writing, how much you can explore and how much you can make real. Hmm...yet again I think I've gotten off track.

I should probably take a break from this! I've been typing for quite some time. Actually, I think maybe you should ask more questions to get me back in the right direction. I don't know, maybe some of what I wrote did answer your questions. Perhaps it only created more. Either way, shoot more questions at me if you want to. I really don't mind.

For now I say catch you later, I actually really have to pee and am still sitting here in my work uniform, it's now like 20 to 8!! Okay. Am off upstairs.

I hope your day is going well and I hope this hasn't gotten really long and confusing. Well long I know, I just hope it's not too confusing, although I do know that too is possible!

Later,

Rachael

A Good Night Message

Good Evening.

I've just come back from the cinema with Shanna. Erin was supposed to come too but she never showed up. I don't know, I left when Shanna said to so you know, I'm keeping out of it as best I can. Anyways, we finally went and saw Memoirs of a Geisha. It was really good. Yes, I cried at the end of it, but I cry in most movies if I can relate to them on any level. I'm starting to see a pattern emerge in relation to the movies we go and see. They've all got some form of romance theme in them and the happy couple always end up together in the end. Me being a story teller and all have great faith in that fact.

I can remember asking Eri if she thought the movie was correct, you know how sometimes when they make a movie based on reality, it can often get a little over the top or convey the wrong information. Eri said as far as she knew, it looked very realistic and again from what she knew it was all quite correct. Which is good, I think if you are going to make a movie or tell a story of this type, it should be true and correct.

To a degree that's why I keep a lot of my stories to myself. Because at the time they were written, they were very incorrect and from a naive point of view. Indeed sometimes they still are, which is why now days I try to write from experience, try to use emotion I may have felt to have a better understanding.

I've attached another short story to this e-mail. This particular piece is complete and it probably isn't all that correct either. If I remember rightly I wrote it back in year ten so that would be hmmm...going on nearly six years ago. Maybe five. I can't quite remember!! Its called Misinterpreting Lily and don't ask me where the idea came from it just did!!

How is work going? Or wait, how did it go? Could be either really!!

Back to work tomorrow. I don't know if I should be excited about that or not. I have another one of those meetings with Doreen this month...um the 25th I think it is. I am a little scared, but not scared. Doesn't make sense, I know. Sometimes nothing ever does!! Janet has gone down to Goring for a few days. Maria Plaza is sick and Sally is annoyed because they've advertised the Office Manager position and not told her. Give her half a chance and she'll commit murder. Which I can understand. Sort of.

Well, I am off to bed, I'm feeling a little tired. I find if I go out walking I get a bit worn out still. So while I am feeling a lot better, I know I've still got a little more recovery to go. But indeed it's getting better. At least physically. Emotionally I still am suffering, but I am told this is something that will ease over time.

Okay, Good night.

Rachael

My Buddy

Hello,

Sally has just been down to the docs and she wanted me to go with her and well while she was in there I just kind of sat in the waiting room and let my mind wander. Its a habit I've started, can't help it. Always make me smile.

It would seem that the theory of Pax Lodge imploding is surely at breaking point. More so than we ever thought. It funny, the other night while out with a few of the HAs (when we went to see Rumour Has It) they were talking about Pax and I sort of went on to explain how you see a different side once you're not a HA. I said I wasn't entirely sure I liked the new side I was seeing.

Heather and Maria Plaza have sided together over this 15th Anniversary stuff which in turn has resulted in Breanne and Sally getting their back up at the pair of them for lack of communication. Janet is annoyed at Heather. Sally is annoyed at Doreen. The HAs have everyone annoyed at them. Everyone seems to be pissed off at someone else. It really does feel like its going to implode, this place has become like a high school, everyone bitching and trying to be the one in charge. Its crazy and I don't understand why its happening.

I just wanted to come and say hello I guess. I'm heading back upstairs to do something, maybe read a little, watch some TV. I think I want to read Butterfly, not sure if I ever told you about that one.

Until Whenever,

Me

Well, A Good Morning

Good Morning,

Slept a little later this morning, only woke about 15 minutes ago which makes it 9:50 that I woke!! Mind you I was up until all hours trying to sort things out. By the time I got into bed, I was so strung up I watched TV and found an Australian Movie was on, one that I'd studied at high school. Thus I sat there and watched it.

I had my child sponsorship cancelled. I can't afford to support me, so there's a slim chance I can keep supporting someone else. I feel pretty bad about that. I like that somehow I was making a child's life better. I loved the letters I got and the pictures she drew me. But I also know that I have to look after me as well. I was prepared to carry on the sponsorship, but that was being I was going back to Oz in January and was going to be earning a wage again. I'm not longer doing that and it's hard.

My phone is on the way to being sorted out. It's going to take about a month, but I've got it sorted. I ended up ringing my mum last night and having a whinge about money and how I didn't think I'd run out of it so soon. However, it's reassuring to know that should I want to get out of here before I'm supposed to, she'll pull some money together for an airfare to help me do so. That kind of surprised me. And yet unless I get pretty desperate, I don't want to do that because it's the sort of thing she'd hold against me because she never had to borrow money when she was growing up. She still hasn't figured that I am not her and never will be.

Enjoy your day when it starts and take care,

As Always,

Me

Its Another Night Night from Me

Good Evening,

Sometimes I just wish I could pick up the phone and you'd be at the other end. I'm having a 'I really miss Erin' moment. I feel very lonely right now. I know its just because I was sullen earlier and have been wallowing and really shouldn't let them get to me so much. I just, I don't know, I felt like things were on the mend and I was getting somewhere, you know? Like I was sort of not fitting in, but at least feeling a part of things.

Now I am just complaining. I should at least attempt to write something half intelligent shouldn't I? Hmm, let me think about your last e-mail.

I really am sorry about your car. Stupid people, I hate how there is barely any respect for people's property these days. Will it cost much to replace the mirror?

Eton wasn't supposed to look tough. He was supposed to be a cool cat. Like chillin or something. Not tough. Do you really think he looks tough now? It was either those or pink glasses and I dunno, but I think the pink ones were more Cadbury's style...See Hammer was a little on the weird side. Although I know he's a mouse, because of his belly I just think like a big heavy elephant with hammer feat, they kinda stomp around and he's from hampstead so it was a combination of the two. It was one of the first few things that came to mind and well, it just stuck. Nothing else seemed to match too well.

The reason Louise wears a blue shirt is because she wants to!! See, in the 18+ age bracket, you can wear the blue shirt or the wally shirt (mine). The wally shirt tends to be worn a lot by the older leaders and even though both are correct and formal uniform, the wally shirt seems to be that little bit more formal. I was told I had to have a wally shirt because I was coming to a world centre. Tricia chose to wear it. Louise made the excuse up they didn't make wally shirts any more. At home I would choose to wear the blue because I'm not a fan of the wally shirt. That's just how it is I guess.

I am talking to Rebecca as well as I type this, she just happens to be online and yeah, she's going to give me the email address of the lady at Ronald McDonald house. Maybe I could go do one of my three days there, just to go and do something else and meet other people and get out of Pax. Perhaps. I'll e-mail her and see how it goes. I need to do something or I am going to go mad.

Ruth. Well she called for all the same reasons she always does. Life sucks and she don't know what to do about it. Or rather she knows what she needs to do, but won't do it. She has another job interview on Thursday, perhaps this one might be the lucky one. She's also got a bit more music work lined up too. She got a few more students. I wasn't being mean. She does annoy me after a while. I don't mind her calling when things are going wrong, I would hope than any friend I had could feel they could come to me for help. But when it's the same thing over and over and over again and she won't do anything about it, I'm just at a loss, that's all.

Anyways, I've been down here for almost an hour now, and this chair really isn't all that comfortable and my butt is starting to ache. So I guess that means I should get moving.

Take care, I miss you lots,

Rachael

Big Anger Attack

Hello!
Its been one of those afternoons. I just want to point out that I am filled with a little anger at the moment and none of it is directed at you, but I need to vent and get mad. So I am sorry, okay?

So Ruth called this afternoon, I spent an hour on the phone to her which finished about half an hour ago. Some old story really, but in the end I just stitched off and gave her a hard time about dating people. The phone call was fine by most standards and wasn't what made me mad.

Yesterday afternoon we had a discussion about taking Eri up the road for her last crepe at some stage this afternoon and they were going to come and let me know when they were going. Fine really.

I come into the stairway after getting off the phone to Ruth and look out the window to see the six of them plus Eri walking down the drive and out onto the road. When I get downstairs, sure enough they've signed out to get a crepe. I was highly hurt by this. And angry. I'm all prepared for them to turn around and say 'but you were on the phone' and I'm going to throw that back in their face and say 'that's never stopped you before!' and you are my witness, there's always someone knocking on my door when I am on the phone!!

So very angry at that. As well as the pathetic effort put into Eri's leaving. Its disgraceful.
ARGHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Ahem. I'm sorry. Its just made me really angry and I think part of that is the fact I am hurt.

I hope your day is going a little better. A lot better hopefully!!

Eri's leaving is soon so I should head back upstairs.

Until later,

Me

Another Night Night One

Nocturnal Greetings!!

Well the welcome ceremonies went well. It's just hit 11pm and we've just finished. A lot of photos taken, as always. Tricia told us about her and Australia which was fine. Rachel on the other hand has sparked my interest, but I don't think it's in a good way. I've not had a lot to do with Rachel since she got here, however after seeing the performance this evening, she reminds me ever so much of Kat. Its pretty unnerving when you think about it.

Eri is back from Scotland and flies out tomorrow night at 9pm. Thus she'll probably leave around 5:30, 6pm. Tomorrow around lunchtime we're going to take her up for one last crepe before she goes. It'll be a sad day. Poor Eri.

I introduced Hammer to everyone. I was right, Eton's eyes kind of bulged out of his head. Sheep seems to like him. Cadbury is a little unsure of what to think. It's the first time he's seen a mouse bigger than he is. I took a couple of photos but I don't have the cord down here. So at some stage tomorrow I'll e-mail them to you, perhaps during the morning so when you check your e-mail before class tomorrow or after class, they'll be sitting there. Mind you if I think about it, so will this one...

Yep, this is a brief one, I have a journal to go write in and I think I might grab a mug of Horlics on my way up.

Hope work went okay and wasn't too terrible, rather lots of fun!!

Rachael

Flying Time

Good Evening.

I felt so lucky, I came down after leaving dinner early and I had not one, but three e-mails from you! How wonderful!

Dinner was an early exit because I'm over Rachel all ready. I hadn't thought it possible to have two self centred people at the one time, but she and Erin take the cake. It's a race to see who can sound the best and be the best and have the best. Oh Please give me a break. And I wish Rachel would talk in English sometimes!! I mean we were at the post office earlier and she was like 'So do having exclamation points to end a sentence as grammar annoy you?' and I you know, I don't really give that much thought. If there is an exclamation point at the end of a sentence, fine, if there's not, well that doesn't phase me either...I don't know, maybe it's just one of those quirks people have.

But yes, this afternoon I ended up walking up the hill with the two Americans. Post Office and Waterstones. I brought a new addition to the stuffed animal family!! He (yes another he, Sheep is really out numbered) is a big pudgy Mouse! He was far too cute (but in an ugly way) to leave behind and he was only four pound ninety nine. He's about Eton's size with a fat belly. I'll take a photo and send it to you. I called him Hammer. Though Hammer hasn't met everyone yet because he managed to be thrown into my room still in the bag as I ran to dinner.

See after we got back (about 4:30) I got a coffee and I brought a Michael Connelly book (his new one) in Waterstones because it was half price and Janet and I both enjoy his writing style. I stopped by her flat to let her know I got the book and she can borrow it after I've read it. I ended up staying until like 6:10pm and consequently was late for dinner!! But we chatted about HAs to begin with and how the meeting went and about stuff that was brought up. Stupid stuff really but when I think about the group we have at the moment it doesn't really surprised me. I explained our theory about the force field which sucks common sense and initiative from you when you enter the drive of Pax Lodge. She laughed. And then we talked about phone cards and families and just random things. Time got away.

Thus here I am, feeling a little bad that the newest addition is still in a plastic bag on the floor, yet to be introduced to everyone. I'll do that when I am done here.

I am a fan of Jazz believe it or not. I have several jazz CDs at home, my fav is with me. They're all compilation CDs but I find jazz is great to have on as background music, it can be quite relaxing as well as motivating.

I am very much aware that what you feel sometimes seems impossible. I feel that too :-)

I've probably mentioned Carly before, my friend in Queensland who became my editor. Primarily our friendship blossomed through letters. One of the things I loved so much is that she got as caught up in my story world as I did. We created characters and referred to each other as that. We sent letters in the mail with the FBI seal on it and 'Confidential' stamps on the back. It for a time seemed like that was the real world and where we currently lived was the story. To have someone get so caught up in that was fantastic. But I lost that when I lost myself. I love being caught up in puppets and stuffed animals and characters because I can let my imagination run away with me. To share that with someone makes it all the more amazing. I never thought I would have someone I could do that with, not in the flesh. Carly was always in words. Never something in front of me. You (and your mom) amazed me because its like reality is gone and the puppets take over, it's incredible. That why I smiled so much, I found people who in some regards were like me!! Able to be lost in an alternate world....hmm...maybe I'm getting a little off track here.

I found myself looking for puppet books in the bookstore today. I want to own a puppet. You know, before you came along I didn't even know this world existed. Its incredible. And I will always be full of thanks for you for showing that world to me.

Right now I am going to head upstairs and introduce Hammer to everyone. We'll see how that goes. I shouldn't think Eton will try and eat him, it might be the relationship Sylvester has with the 'Big Mouse' (which is actually a roo!) in the Warner Brother cartoons. Eton will be scared because of how big he is!!

For now I sign off, and I hope you do focus on your homework!!!
Rachael

Erin = Smiles

Good Afternoon,

I am wondering if being down in the basement is a good idea. Roy spray painted the flag holders for the front of the building and the idiot did it in the basement. I'm going to pass out from fume inhalation!

Its been a relatively uneventful day aside from your parcel arriving. I cleaned my room and shaved my legs, two big achievements in one day!! Ha!

In all seriousness I loved your parcel! I went through everything, looked at what was in the box before I read any cards or letters. So the toothpaste is great, thank you!! I'm saving the Reese's Heart until the 14th (and that's taking will power) and I giggled when I saw the heart shaped candy with words on it, the Sweethearts! You know why? Because I was actually going to send you some but I thought it would be a little too corny!! That's kinda funny!! We do have those at home, I had just assumed they had them all over the world. But thank you, I sort of feel like I should still send you some regardless now you've sent them to me!

I will admit that the Spiderman candy threw me. I have to say though, I hadn't actually picked up the box. So I shrugged off the Spiderman candy and thought maybe that was just an extra bit in the parcel. I go and read the card from Squirrel and laughed, read the card from Thunder Jumper and got a little misty, but laughed. Then I read the card from all the KOB puppets and laughed a lot more (Could hear Jo and Val in the show going on about articles and spine abiffida (spelling?)) but got a bit confused when I read Mike saying his mom helped pick out the gift. As far as I could figure I didn't have a gift from Mike...but then after I read all the cards again, read your letters and sat thinking about things, I picked up all the stuff that was in the main box and it was then that the penny dropped. The Spiderman Candy was from Mike (I later found the to and from on the back) and so I just roared out laughing at that and the notion that I'd received Valentine's Day cards from Puppets and a Cat and then quite spontaneously burst into tears!!

It was all a little too much emotion to deal with and the best way to get it out was to cry. Then I was okay, got back to laughing, missed you a little more but also understood why. So I've been smiling all day in addition to the smiling from your call last night. Is it any wonder my cheek muscles are a little sore?!

I found your journal entries to be amusing, but not in a funny hilarious way, so please don't take that the wrong way. Amusing in the sense that I always like to read the different types of ways people write. I love your one liners. Some of it made me feel sad. Some of it made me smile at the memory. One thing I did find quite funny was that you thought I would fit in with the Marie crowd. I knew from the word scratch that I wouldn't, purely because I didn't think the idea of taking me straight to the pub was a great one. But then you were looking at things from the outside. And yes, you did pick well with the scented stuff from the body shop, Oceanus (not entirely sure it's spelt that way!) is my favourite Body Shop Smell, only I never spent the money to treat myself to it. As a result I'm actually wearing some of the perfume spray stuff and it smells nice. The lotion is great for your legs after you shave. So it was handy to get it for my birthday because I ran out of skin cream not long after I got here!

For now I might just wander off back upstairs and read a book or something. The weather isn't all that nice out so I think it's an indoor day today.

Rachael

Sunday Morning

Good Morning.

I tell you if I needed toothpicks yesterday morning, I need steel poles today!! I am so tired! The body has decided it doesn't want to function today, it just wants to go back to bed and stay there! I'm not having an old day, I just don't want to work today, even the notion of 78 kids running around doesn't feel as appealing as it may have done a couple of days ago.

Dreams last night were a little weird. okay a lot weird because they jumped around all over the place. I know at one point I was out with Andrea and Zoe (work buddies) and we were in a car going somewhere. Next thing I knew it jumped to work back in Oz but the office was different, but I still knew it was my office. So I was talking to Jan, the other admin for the Superintendent, and then I was talking to Nat, my boss just before I left. I don't know what about either.

Then it jumped back to the going out with Andrea and Zoe and we ended up at a party of some description on the coast where there were a lot of people. Then we were in the car, driving away and there was a huge title wave coming up behind us, but the water was black and I could see Harold from Neighbours standing on the rocks (Aussie TV show, many years he got Swept away by a wave by a cliff). That's fine really because I'm then in line with Erin M getting on a train to Scotland. She's brought me a ticket to get me away from Pax Lodge. But it's like 2pm in the afternoon and we're only going for the day which doesn't make sense because we have to be back by 12:3pm because we have to work the next day. Regardless, we get on this train but it has no walls on it, so its in the open air and this one person has a hammock strung across the isle, but it was the interior of a train, almost like a San Fransisco tram...is that right?

I don't remember what happened after that, be it I woke up or things just went black. It was really weird, very random and all over the place -like I was dreaming in ten different directions!!So I am awake, but not and I feel really confused, like there's lots of fog in my head, but there isn't and yet I am still walking around in a daze. Have I just really confused you? I think I just confused me. It's a weird feeling!

After I turned out the light last night I thought a bit more about the HAs. It'll be interesting to see how it goes, I mean if they'll stay divided or if they'll find some balance in between now and the time someone leaves, which is Kristina in March.

So what's your next big question? Bring it on!!

I should probably run upstairs now, I've decided I need a loo stop before they go to flag so I should probably do that.

As Always,
Rachael :-)

Ritual Good Night Message

Good Evening,

I really hope the Opera goes well!! I've never been to the Opera, had you before tonight?

The trip to the Milkshake Place lasted two hours although we didn't get to go into the place! They were too full, so we walked back down the hill and the eight of us crammed around a table in the dodgy Omelet place and ate and had drinks there. They had a little mini house assistant meeting like we used to, but no where near as successful. There are far too many self centred people! It's funny, that's the first time I've sat down with all of them at the same time. They were asking me questions like I was Janet. It was a little odd.

Shanna Louise and Xenia were the first to leave, though that's not all that surprising. There is a definite split in the group, that's painfully obvious. In saying that it was nice, but in all honesty I wanted to be back on the phone with you!!

Yes, like all other times in my life when I find something good, I expect there to be a bad. Up until now that has always been the case and I've usually anticipated it (Heather just shouted out Good night to me -it's 11:30pm!)...um...

My point being I'm not going to dwell on it.

For now I have to say good night, it's getting late and it's going to be a long day tomorrow.

Me :-)

Let Me Get the Toothpicks

Good Morning!

The eyes are finding it a little hard to stay open this morning and I'm not entirely sure why! I mean I slept the whole night through and feel a little groggy, but that's all. I didn't go to bed any later than normal. Maybe the prospect of working an extra day (even if it is with a lot of kids!) seems far too spirit dampening to deal with right now! I should imagine that once I get some food into me I'll be fine.

Indeed I've often found my friendship with Veronica to be amusing, I often wonder just what on earth keeps us friends because more often than not we are so different! Then I also just find Vee amusing in general because she's what I call a repeat offender. She never learns her lesson from the first time she did wrong, it's just a vicious cycle going around and around. Perhaps there will come a time when she'll realise this and make right with the world! I also kind of like how she really doesn't give a damn about what anyone will think, she just says it as it is. That's not without insecurities of course, but she pays less attention to them.

All systems go for calling!! I'll come up after dinner. I'll gulp everything down just to get up to you quicker!!

The journal gave away nothing of what I was feeling the night before Bath. In saying that, that particular entry took place in the early evening while you and Ruth were off doing what ever it was you were doing. That's all it says. Unless whatever it was happened after that, even then it couldn't have been too prominent because I would have mentioned it the next day. But there's nothing there that give me any idea as to what it was all about!!

For now I have to go, another day of work calls.

Until next time,

Me

Its Time!

Good Late Evening!!

Now, the movie, just to get that out of the way. We went to see 'Rumour Has It' and by most standards it was good. Did you ever read the book or see the movie called 'The graduate'? This movie was basically the 'true' story of that. If that makes sense at all. Anyhows, it was a romantic comedy and I didn't cry. Little random things I guess, nothing too major. By most accounts the movie was good, although it would seem we tend to go for controversial movies, like Gay Cowboys and Guys who sleep with three generations of women in the same family...

The interesting part for me was the walk to Finchley. One thing I do like about Pax Lodge is the continuously changing group dynamics. I went with Louise, Shanna and Xenia. The three who arrived in January. It was interesting to see their take on how the staff as a whole works, how the HAs and in deed the gap works and then how individuals work. Although they use different terminology, they've made a lot of the same observations we did and still do. All I can say is that this HA meeting which is taking place on Monday will be rather interesting and I would like to be a fly on the wall.

So its now evening in Kentucky, around 6:30ish I believe. Does that mean you finished work? Or still more to go? Hmmm I don't know, I think maybe you still have more to go. I am sure you 'll do fine, you'll probably find most things will start coming back to you as you go along. Most things are like riding a bike, once you've done it you never forget. You just need a refresher every now and again!

In what manner do my friendships amuse you?!

The incident the night before bath isn't ringing any bells off the top of my head. However, if I was cheesed off at you I probably wrote about it in my journal. I might go check that out when I go up for bed. I don't know what was going on there. Rest assured, in the future I will go anywhere with you!!

Office work. I enjoy some aspects of it, in some areas of it. If that makes any sense. Erin it's just a job. I can get a job anywhere, be it here, Oz or anywhere else.

I'm now working both Saturday and Sunday. I was only supposed to work Saturday and they have asked me to do Sunday as well. So my three days off start a day later. But that said, I'm not on nights or anything.

Well, I am going to crawl upstairs and get into bed. It's almost midnight now and I am feeling a little on the tired side. Too much brain power required today and it's too cold outside. It's like 1 or 2!! No wonder I was cold coming back from Finchley!

Rachael

The Eve of Day has Arrived

Good Evening,

So I finally got to the end of day one, it finished not at 5pm, not at 5:15pm, not at 5:30pm, but 5:45pm!! It was a huge information overload by the end of it and yet I am still smiling which is always a good thing right?! Wore my wildcats shirt today, I love it, every time I wear it I think of the woman Debbie at the Capitol Building!!

Tonight was fish night so when I eventually got home it was chips and vegetarian moussaka, a long call from the steak I was supposed to go get with Sally. Apparently I rocked up just a few minutes late. Doreen yelled at all the HAs who were sitting there bad mouthing Maria the cook. Damn I always miss the good stuff!! Thankfully there were no guests at dinner, in fact there are no guests at all. That makes Dixon happy coz he gets to wander around the house.

Was in the building maybe 10 minutes before I get asked to work Sunday, yep two, six day stints in one month. That said, I'm happy to work Sunday. It's international adventure day and I'm being let out of the office to help. Why? There are 79 Brownies coming!!! Its gonna be HUGE!!! So with their leaders it about 90 odd people plus the staff. Heather has said she's got an activity lined up if I want it, it's along the theme of Thinking Day and it's an action story, so every time a certain word is said, they have to do an action. The stipulation is that I have to wear my hat, but I get to play story teller too!! Man, I am so excited!

I was also told that this evening the HAs are going to Finchley to see a movie called 'Rumour Has It' only I don't know what the movie is about. That said, I am thinking about going.

Rachael :-)

Lunchtime!

Good Afternoon,

So I imagine your day is pretty long right? Wait, maybe you haven't started it yet...either way, good luck with the shows, are you being better paid this time? I remember last time you were saying you shouldn't have gone by number of people, rather the number of shows you did. Is that the same this time? Anyhows, are you bringing Mike out today? What sort of shows? Who is in it? Who you doing it with? I know I know 20 questions but I am just curious that's all!

The course is going well, its a lot more information today and how things can go wrong even it you do little things out of place. However, I still like the program and you know what? I can see myself in the future using it for personal projects, be it keeping track of things or whatever. But I like it and I like working with it. See if I go back to my job and transfer to a Receptionist type role, having done this course will work in my favour because part of the reception role (well you're general admin for a squad, not just reception) is to do data entry some of which is passed on by the Analysts who basically write the programming for Access and the databases they set up. I now understand how it all works and why they were so stringent about making sure I didn't do anything wrong when they first got me doing data entry!!

Wow, that was a long sentence. Better take a deep breath...right, am back.

Lunch today is really good, Bree cheese and there is bacon in the sandwiches and the heating is working really well. I think I like these courses, just for the food and the slight freedom you have. Janet was cooking lunch and getting ready for dinner tonight, apparently they're having steak. Man I miss a good piece of steak, I could do with that right now.

I am also talking to Ruth at the moment who is telling me about her bad panto experience. Rebecca signed out earlier and see still has me a little worried but she's also been talking to someone else at Pax who I assume is Breanne. But she tells me she didn't need stitches this time. What's that about? I told her we knew she was trying to hurt herself while at pax and she wanted to know why we thought that. I told her between the two of us we watched and keep an eye on everyone. We were right, she was doing harm to herself. Good grief!

The girl next to me has just gone out for a cigarette which brings me to a confession BUT there is also good news. See, in my randomness on Aussie Day at the WalkAbout, Louise handed me a cigarette and I'll admit, I had a few. Good grief, I felt like I could have died. Then for the rest of the afternoon and the next day, despite having showered and scrubbed my hands so much, all I could smell was cigarettes. It was so horrible and I really did hate myself for it. See, last time I started again, that reaction didn't happen. I just went right back into being a regular smoker. I can't do that this time, I literally felt repulsed by it. While I am kinda mad, I am also relieved to know that I don't think I'll ever be a smoker again. Yes, it's disappointing I know and I think I am cured of being a smoker, I can't believe how repulsed I felt. Yuck.

This food is so darn good!! Well, lunch is pretty much over and I really would like to stay and talk to you, you know that, but I have to go and grab a drink and do a loo stop before we start again.

Rachael

Re: Hey Rach!

Kacey Mate!!!

Man it's great to hear from you! How is England? Damn, well, I kinda feel now like I shoulda come home in January when I was supposed to! It's not that bad I guess, I am still enjoying it, but I'd give anything for a descent bit of sunshine. I can deal with being cold, it's the fact I have a huge lack of daylight and it's driving me mad!

So what's bringing you to England in May? Who? What? Where? Why? When? Yeah yeah I want all the details! So for how long and will you be coming to London?

Wait dude, you turned 21 in December right? Shit, Happy Birthday man!! I can't believe I forgot...actually I don't even know what made me remember! Ha! Well I am currently out of Pax Lodge on an Access course, day 2 and I have good food sitting here in front of me, so I am gonna go.

Lemmie know what's what!!

Talk to you Soon,
Your Bud,
Rachael :-)

A Better Good Morning

Gooooood Morning!

Well I finally made it to Holburn, with 45 minutes to spare until we start the course. This is good, I can eat their muffins, drink their coffee and talk to people! And I have to do a bit of reading too which I should have done last night but didn't.

When I said you could teach me English, it was partly on an editing train of thought, but more about linguistics and stuff too. I sort of meant in general. I've always liked to write but my biggest problem is sometimes not understanding how the English language works. I know that doesn't really make sense considering what I can write, but I know an editor would have a field day with anything I tried to get edited for publishing. So I was just kind of saying yeah, maybe you could help me in that regard.

Me and sleep last night was good while it lasted! Nah, it was quite heavy and deep so I woke up feeling kind of groggy and like I had too much sleep. So it took a little longer to get going this morning, had to wait for the fog to clear!

I am talking to our Rebecca at the moment as well as Veronica. Rebecca has admitted that she's starting 'harming herself' again which is kinda scary. Veronica was telling me about her threesome and going to the gay pride march next weekend. Cripes, a morning of madness. I am a little worried about Rebecca, okay a lot worried but I am also aware there's nothing I can do.

Oh my god, Veronica just asked me to do something for her. I now discover it's for her 21st. See I was supposed to be back in Oz for it. And she was going to ask me to say a few words at her 21st. Now she's asked if I still would, and e-mail it to her and she can get someone to read it out on my behalf! how nice is that?!

Yes you snored on the way to Bath! We didn't even get out past Woodfod and you started to fall asleep!! I have a photo on my phone to prove it! I don't understand why you thought I wouldn't go to Bath with you. I can't even remember how that came about.

I will wish Happy Birthday to Janet for you and I will say good bye to Eri for you. I'm actually off those days so I might even go with her to the airport. I don't know.

Well I really have to go so I can get this reading done.

Rachael

Night Time Rambling

My Dear!

You know you have me sitting here chuckling now!

The ice-cream was good, in fact so good I ate half the tub! Well come on for an hour and a half of viewing that's good!! Mind you I did eat corn chips too. Not a great diet to be having, ey?! Yep, watched Eastenders and The Bill which was good. Got my copper fix, he he he.

I don't need you to send me more soup!

Eri is in Scotland, she left quite early this morning. She won't be back until the 6th which is when her leaving ceremony is. I bet I cry. Yeah, I better make sure I have some tissues on me. Eri is the last of my HA crowd, gone gone gone. Its so weird. Sally was watching the slide show of photos Maria Plaza put together back in October, or whenever it was. She was watching it when I came back this evening. I sat there and watched it with her too. The photo that starts it is of you and her, one of the ones I took.

So she turns around and says 'I know she's your Erin and all, but I really like that photo of the two of us' and I just thought that was kind of cute. I've also realised that I refer to you as my Erin as well. Because at one point Shanna came by and one of the summer group pics came up so we were pointing out who everyone was and Shanna went 'Oh is that your Erin'. By that I think perhaps when we're talking about ex HAs we have the three Erin problem and I know in the beginning I was calling you Erin Gow and then I know it dropped to Erin G. I hadn't thought I was referring to you as My Erin as such, but then maybe it's just Shanna's way of remembering who you are as well, considering she's seen all the photos in my room.

Which reminds me, I was going to send you the photo of what is on my wall!! I still haven't done that. I'm sorry. When I am finished this e-mail I run upstairs and grab my camera and attach it on. Hopefully it will work and you'll be able to see it. Actually I could save this as a draft in my inbox, close my e-mail, get the camera and come back....I might just do that!

Right, I am back! Camera in tow, plugged in and photo attached! It's only what's on my wall, I could have taken a photo of what's on my wardrobe, but basically it's just covered in photos from Kentucky. This was what I was working on. It is very simple but it seemed to take forever while I got the photos developed and then I had to search online for the cartoons I used in your book!! That took some time. But now its done. And you've got the photo to see!! Its not the greatest photo, but you get the general idea.

I can't believe it's almost 9:30 and I am ready for bed! I should start reading another book. Bleak House doesn't feel right to start yet, so I won't. I need something a little less complex at the moment. Maybe I should read that library book I borrowed in like November and still have but haven't yet read!! Its by the same author I was reading that night you came back from seeing Mira.

So what's on the agenda for work today? Are you showing another film? If so, what was it? I had to laugh when you asked how I remember so much. I tend not to remember important things, but I remember details of trivial stuff. Like the fact your Mum's birthday was around the time you left for Pax. Like the pencil and your scar. And the time you told me about your mum's accident and how you felt. Like you snoring on the way to Bath. The huge mug your mum drinks out of to read the paper. Your dad going for walks to the creek. Your mums parents going to Florida. Little Lolly and the story of the other Lolly doll, but not lolly and how its original owner asks about her, or used to. I just have a knack for remembering stuff like that and it's not even intentional and usually I remember it at the most random times. I don't even know what made me think about your mum's birthday.

Anyhows, enough dribble for now. Let me try think about talking about something intelligent, like those Gorilla's in the Rain forest!! He he he, aww man, all the good jokes and moments just don't have the same effect on these guys.

I don't think I am going to end up going to Our Chalet with Breanne. We were supposed to go the end of this month and I don't have 160 pounds or there abouts to be spending on that trip. Not if I have to come up with money for an airfare. I'll wait till the airfare business is sorted out. Even if I go late May early June, at least I've got a bit of time to save and I know that my airfare is sorted which is my main concern. I'm not freaking out about money, so relax, I'm just being realistic. Don't get mad, I'm not saying I won't go to Chalet, I am just saying I won't be going at the end of the month, that's all. I will get there, I am close enough to I better!!

Well, I am going to go upstairs and crawl into bed.

Good Night,

Rachael

Greetings Chick!

Heya Chick!!

So I did an Access training course, kinda reminded me of Oracle training...but not quite because it's not really financial. Anyhows, so working away in Access and the little help things pops up and I couldn't help but change it to the Cat!! He he he! And then the teacher was talking about records in a jukebox and she said someone randomly name a record and Elvis was the first to come up!! Yay! "In the Ghetto...."

I hope everything is working out for you in the Force these days, I am still waiting for those Grad photos and stories to emerge!

It's funny you know, when I left Melbourne back in June I had ideas in my head as to what I wanted to achieve when I came back. Things are so very different now. I just think it's crazy how time can change those things.

Right chick I am off, the training day is over and I am likely to get kicked out very soon, plus if I don't hurry I won't be home in time for dinner and I don't get paid until tomorrow so I have no dosh!! Great, peak hour on the London Transport System, don't want to face up to that....

Catch you when I do,
Take care, sorry this is so short, I will sit and write you better soon!!

Rachael :-)

An Afternoon Hello

Good Afternoon!

So it's lunch time and I am eating sandwiches, but real sandwiches, none of the Pax Lodge type which is brilliant because they are really yummy and I want to eat them all afternoon! Aww man! Takes a bit of brain power to get around some of this stuff but I really think I like access as a program. I know I've said that before, but its like a huge problem solving programme to set up and yeah, a nice challenge and more in depth than other stuff.

There are only 7 or 8 people here which is kinda odd. But then I guess training sessions at home had maybe 10-15. I feel a bit like I am back at school. Makes a change though I guess. I am talking to Ruth at the moment, we have MSN here which is okay, at least I know she's talking to me!! She seems to be okay but I've just had an e-mail rock up in my inbox from her. We'll see.

Well I hope you are well. The heating has started to work thank goodness so I am not as cold now. For the moment I am going back to the good sandwiches.

Rachael